


Baby-Crazy

by hotchoco195



Series: Miloverse Redux [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Enthusiastic Daddy Thor, F/M, Family, M/M, Overprotective Parents, Role Models, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 08:44:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2185269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotchoco195/pseuds/hotchoco195
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki's waiting on some baby news from Steve and Maria, but it looks like he's not the only one expecting...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby-Crazy

From the moment Thor and Jane announced they were expecting, all the thunder god could talk about was babies. He obsessively monitored Jane’s health, he helped Darcy decorate the nursery, he worked his way through stacks of pregnancy books and he stuck the fuzzy black and white ultrasound pictures on the fridge with so much pride, Loki thought he was going to explode.

“Finally it is your turn to be an uncle, Loki.” He smiled, and the chaos god had to hold back a chuckle.

“And I shall be a better one than you ever were.”

“That is unfair! I am trying to make up for my neglect. Am I not doing well?” the blond pouted.

“You are doing most magnificently, uncle.” Fen winked.

“See?”

“Fine. You shall be my role model then.”

“I should think so. Now, who will come with me to the city to gather more of those strange pretzels for Jane? She craves them hourly.”

“Why don’t you take Steve?” Loki said, turning to glance sidelong at the captain where he was drying dishes.

“Me? Sure, I guess I could use a jaunt to the island. Let me finish this first.”

“I shall help you, Steven, and we shall get there quicker. My lady must not wait!”

Thor bustled over to grab a spare tea towel and Loki slipped out into the hall with a smirk. He only made it a few rooms down before a hand shot out and grabbed his collar, tugging him into the lounge.

“Natalia! Are we feeling energetic this morning, my love?”

The redhead stuck her lip out thoughtfully. “Maybe. But business first.”

“Business?”

“Why do you keep shoving Steve at Thor and the baby?”

“What? I have no idea what you are referring to, Tasha.”

Her brows almost creaked as they arched. “What happened to our honesty policy, hmm, _husband_?”

“What makes you think I am lying?”

“Loki.”

He sighed. “Alright. But it is to do with the dream, and I prefer not to mention it here in case it influences events.”

“What’s the dream got to do with Jane’s pregnancy?”

“Nothing. But in the dream world, Steve accidentally got Commander Hill with child around the time Jane conceived, and I was thinking perhaps that might be true here as well.”

“So you’re...helping prepare him?”

“I thought he might benefit from the experience, yes.”

Natasha laughed. “Loki, you really think Hill’s stupid enough to get pregnant accidentally?”

“I don’t know. Humans are not infallible, even ones such as her.”

“She’s too careful for that. I mean, the ramifications at SHIELD if she had to go on maternity leave...Jesus, the PR spin of Captain America being a dad! The whole thing is way too big a deal for her to mess up.”

“But it happened in the dream.” Loki pouted.

Nat made a sympathetic face, smoothing his hair back off his face. “The dream wasn’t true, Loki. Some things turned out almost the same, yeah, but not everything. This is one of those flights of fancy I think.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I know I am. No one around here is getting accidentally knocked up, I assure you.”

 

“What?” Clint blinked. His legs gave out a second later, ass slamming against the floor. He didn’t seem to notice.

“I said, I am with child.” Hel repeated, hands stroking her belly.

“But how...but we...but you’re not human! Is that possible?”

“Uncle Thor and Aunt Jane managed it.”

Clint started running his hands through his hair manically. “Oh fuck. What the hell do we do? I can’t raise a baby, I’m practically a kid myself – Nat’s always calling me a stupid teenager. This is a job for like, Steve.”

“Are you displeased, my hawk?” Hel frowned, head tilting.

“Uh, stunned mostly.”

She slid off the bed, kneeling beside him, and took his hand. The goddess placed it gently on her stomach with a smile.

“Think of it, Clint. A tiny life that we have created, a child we will love more than anything, completely ours. We shall be a family.”

“I’m kinda new to the word.” He muttered, but his lips quirked into an almost smile.

“She is strong, like her father. She will be beautiful, Clint, and she will have so many cousins and playmates and uncles and aunts, and all the things a child needs.”

“She?” he gaped.

“A girl. I feel her magic – whatever else she may be, she seems to take after me in that respect.”

“Wow,” he sucked on his front teeth, “I’m gonna have a daughter. I’ll be dad to a half-goddess – Jesus, now I feel even less qualified. Also, I am gonna be the dad, right? None of this Mother bullcrap?”

“Yes Clinton, you shall be her father and I her mother. Although I’m certain we could find a way for you to carry a child if you want to try it the toher way around.”

“Nooooope, nah I’m good with this, thanks.”

Her smile faded into something more earnest. “Then you are okay with it?”

Clint looked from her face to their hands on her stomach and gave a lopsided smile. “Yeah. Maybe. Give me a couple days to get used to it.”

“I like that. A few days where it is only our secret, before the congratulations of our friends.”

“Oh,” Clint’s face fell, “Right. Telling people.”

“They will be happy for us. I think we can expect a mountain of infant dresses in many shades of pink.” 

“Your dad’s gonna kill me.”

“Nonsense. Mother will be overjoyed.”

“Nope, he’s gonna send me to some magical oasis and maroon me forever.”

Hel laughed and kissed him. “He wouldn’t dare. You wait, he shall be as thankful for this blessing as we.”

 

“WHAT!”

“Oh god, where’s my bow?” Clint groaned.

“Hush, it will be alright.” Hel patted his hand.

“You’re pregnant!” Loki gaped.

“Loki-” Nat started.

“Pregnant!”

“Yes Mother, we’ve covered that.” Hel rolled her eyes.

Loki’s look of shock turned to rage that was somehow both incandescent and icy at the same time. Clint wriggled closer to his girlfriend, hating himself for being such a wuss and equally determined not to get murdered on the spot.

“How could you be so careless, after everything I have promised to do should you mistreat my daughter?”

“Mother, it’s alright. Clinton has not mistreated me. I am glad for the child.”

“He has besmirched your honour!”

“Oh please, like that even matters in this house.” Nat snorted.

“This is not how it was supposed to go!” Loki snapped.

“What do you mean?” Clint frowned.

“Is that the problem, Mother?” Hel asked with an incredulous look, “It is not to the proper timing, according to you?”

“We talked about this, sweetheart. That stuff isn’t some foretold schedule.” Natasha wrapped her hand around his arm soothingly.

“It’s not right. Hel is a queen, with subjects and a reputation to protect. If Barton is any kind of man, he will marry her before the child is born.”

“Mother, do you hear yourself? You are as tyrannical as Odin!”

“He is a nomad, Hel!” Loki clenched his fists, “He wanders about on missions he may never return from, whether by misfortune or by caprice. The least he can do is provide his offspring with some legitimacy.”

“That’s your granddaughter you are discussing in such base terms.” Hel scowled, folding her arms.

“And I will love her as I did you but I do not have to like _him!_ ”

“I’ll do it.” Clint piped up.

“What?”

“I’ll marry you. I mean, I never had much of a family as a kid and I don’t want that for our baby. If Loki wants us to get married, I don’t have a problem with it.”

“No, Clinton, you do not have to kowtow to Mother,” Hel glowered, “I am a queen in my own right, as he says, and if anyone cares enough to slander me over this then I shall deal with them as a queen. You know what that entails.”

Loki’s jaw went slack, his already pale face turning ashen. “Hellie-”

 

She stood imperiously, looking down her nose at the trickster.  “Hush, Mother. Take a holiday to Vanaheim and come back when you are calmer, and have a decent tongue in your head. Clint?”

He took her arm quickly. “Yes ma’am.”

They left, the archer throwing a worried look over his shoulder at Nat on the way out. Loki gave a heavy sigh and the redhead punched him in the arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Being a bonehead. Hel came in here to tell us something she’s really excited about and you blew up in her face.”

“Barton had the audacity to-”

“If the word ‘defile’ comes out of your mouth, I’m gonna punch you again. Hel is a grown goddess who makes her own choices, and this one might have been a surprise but it’s not necessarily the end of the world, Loki.”

“Natasha, you must understand. It is not myself I am concerned about. But Hel already suffers so much scorn from the Allfather and his people, and when news of this reaches Asgard it shall increase tenfold. I won’t have those smug Aesir laughing at my children – or grandchildren.”

“So he’s human – Jane’s human and she married the crown prince. So they’re not married – you told me when we got hitched it was all a pretty unnecessary process anyway and that in Asgard they usually just had a big feast. Why should we care all the way down here what the Aesir are doing up in their stupid shiny palaces?”

The god brightened, wrapping his arms around her. “You are right as usual, my love. Why should we care what the Allfather thinks? He disapproves of everyone and everything anyway.”

“And Frigga will be over the moon enough for both of them.”

“I suppose I shall have to apologise to Hel.”

“And Clint.”

“Oh, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” she frowned.

“It wouldn’t do to let him off the hook so easily. I think a healthy fear of me is in Agent Barton’s best interests.”

*****

The Avengers took the news with all the enthusiasm and gift-giving Hel expected. Clint was less pleased about the group’s reaction, but that might have been because Jorm and Fen cornered him and gave their own version of Loki’s ‘be the best father ever or else’ speech. He was starting to wonder if he really was as big of an idiot as Coulson always seemed to think, because no smart man would knock up his underworld queen girlfriend and offend her multiple godly brothers/terrifying parent.

Thor was the only really happy Asgardian, and he mostly seemed pleased to have someone to share his baby planning with. He instantly recruited Clint on all future shopping trips and promised to sign him up for a subscription to _Practical Pregnancy_.

“It is hard to say what information will be pertinent, with the unique situation of your form combining with my niece’s,” the thunderer said, “But I have faced similar problems with Jane and found there is no harm in being overprepared.”

“Yeah, thanks bud, but I’d say Hel has the whole thing wired. She can sense the baby’s emotions, and I’m pretty sure once the kid’s got a working brain she’ll get thoughts too. So we don’t need to worry about anything going wrong.”

“Ah, but how will you care for your lady while she cares for the child?” Thor frowned, “What of her cravings and desires?”

“I’m down for back and foot rubs as required, but she’s got magic, Thor. She can conjure whatever she wants instantly. I’m not gonna be able to compete with that.”

“Are you not eager to show her your appreciation for the gift she bears you?”

“I don’t know how, big guy!”

“I could barely contain my excitement when sweet Jane told me of our fortune.”

“You didn’t contain it, Thor. There’s a Mjölnir-shaped hole in the gym roof that says you didn’t contain shit.”

He had the grace to look slightly embarrassed. “I told friend Tony I would repair it.”

“I think he likes it – finds it funny.”

“Are you worried you cannot provide for Hel and the girl? Because you are a great warrior, Clint. You may not have magic or wealth but you can protect and nurture them well enough, I am certain.”

Clint smiled shyly, clapping him on the shoulder. “Hey, thanks man.”

“My pleasure, Clinton. Fatherhood may seem daunting but remember, you have others to help you.”

“I guess.”

“And you can never be as bad as Odin.”

The spy guffawed, biting his knuckles to smother the laugh. “You got that right. Suddenly I feel so much better.”

Thor winked. “I can jest too, whatever Jormungand says.”

“Do you maybe wanna go through some of this stuff with me then?”

Thor beamed. “I would relish it! Come, let me get my pregnancy journal.”

 

Nat leaned on the doorframe with a smile, folding her arms over her chest. Clint, for once in his life, didn’t seem to notice she was there. She waited to see how long it would take, watching him sift through the mess of catalogues and magazines on his bed.

“Planning to open a day care centre?”

The archer jolted upright, immediately covering his work with his hands. “Nat! Geez, way to sneak up on a guy. I could have killed you.”

“Or had a heart attack yourself. So, how about it? Hawkeye’s Kids Camp – you can teach them to shoot _and_ put them down for naptime.”

He smirked. “It’s not a bad idea. Jane’s pregnant, Hel’s pregnant, might not be too long before Darcy or Pep get there. We’ll need someone keepin’ an eye on all those rugrats and I have got the best vision in the building.”

“You gonna retire Barton?”

“Maybe. Maybe you should get me a gold watch and an apron.”

Nat laughed and sat on the bed beside him. “Seriously though. How are you doing with all this? Because you have been running around like a fucking Stepford wife for weeks, ordering cribs and bibs and whatever else babies need.”

“Diapers, mostly.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah. Wait – I once saw you cut a bullet out of your own arm but a bit of poop is ew?”

Natasha shrugged. “It’s different.”

“Right.”

“You’re avoiding the question, asshat.”

Clint snorted, trailing a hand over a picture of a stroller that he wasn’t going to need anyway, since Tony had practically begged to build one for them. “It’s so weird, Nat. It’s like this thing that I’ve never really had, and never thought I would have in the future, and now it’s happening and I feel like I just can’t get ahead of the floodwaves.”

“That’s kind of how I felt about getting married.”

“It’s like...family! Family, Nat. I don’t know how to do that. But at the same time I really wanna do it well. I’m not sure I can, but I’m damn well gonna try.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know family? What do you call all of us living at the Mansion?”

“That’s different. I don’t have to worry about Steve getting too cold or Fenrir feeling loved or Tony choking in his sleep. Well, maybe that one occasionally.”

“You look after the agents under your command on missions. Just approach it like that.”

“My daughter is not a mission, Tasha.”

“Of course not, but you can get your brain straight the same way. Stay calm, stay in control. I mean if you can handle a bunch of angry alien invaders, you can manage to not drop your kid on her head, right?”

“You’re not helping.” He said, wide-eyed with horror.

“Clint, you’ll be fine. You care about people and you stick it out to make sure they’re okay. You’re not Barney.”

 

“I’m not a good guy either, Nat. You know the things I’ve done. How do I explain that to a kid? This girl is gonna look at me like I’m the answer to all the world’s problems – like I’m some kind of hero. How do I live up to that? I was a crook and an assassin, Nat.”

“We’ve all done shit we’re not proud of. It’s part of the job. You just have to leave it in the past.”

“What if I can’t? What if she becomes a target for all those assholes I’ve pissed off over the years? What if being her dad puts her in danger?”

“More danger than she’s already in by being Loki’s granddaughter and Thor’s great-niece? Face it Clint, being even remotely connected to the Avengers puts people at risk. At least we’ll all be around to look after her. She couldn’t have more protective uncles and aunts if she tried.”

“Oh god, what if Thor and Loki have enemies from like, Jotunheim or some shit that wanna get her? Dark Elves are still a thing, right?”

Nat sighed. “Are you actually listening to me? This house is the safest possible place for her, and you are gonna be a great dad. Once you grow out of being an idiot.”

“What?”

“You knocked up Loki’s daughter, you moron.”

“Well I didn’t know it was gonna happen!” he protested, “It didn’t seem like the sort of thing that was possible.”

“Even though it worked for Jane and Thor?”

“Yeah! I mean, I dunno...I guess I figured Hel wasn’t worried so I shouldn’t be?”

“Moron.”

“Meanie.” He nudged her, chuckling.

“You’re lucky though. I know neither of us ever thought we’d last this long, or have what we do with the team. And personally as someone who can’t have kids, I would kill for an accident like that.”

“Yeah, but now you’ve got a whole bunch of grownup kids,” Clint smiled, “And I’m sure once some of the others get around to it, there’ll be a whole gang of little tykes rushin’ about this place you can mother and intimidate into eating their vegetables.”

“They’re good for you.”

“Yeah, they are. They’re also boring as fuck.”

Nat’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying my scalloped potatoes are boring?”

“To kids! To kids and Tony.”

“Tony likes them.”

“Tony says that so you don’t make your disappointed face at him.”

“It’s a skill you’re gonna have to learn.” She snickered.

“You can give me lessons. Hey!” Clint suddenly perked up, “Does this make you a-”

“Don’t say it.”

“-grandmother? Oh my god, you’re gonna be Grandma Nat! This is the best thing ever!”

“Clint, I literally just got them to stop calling me Father. If I hear the word grandmother, I’m gonna blame you, and it will not end well.”

“Oh, no one’s gonna call you that.”

“Good.”

“Cos Loki’s grandmother, isn’t he? So you’d be grand-”

She tackled him off the edge of the bed, making sure to land squarely on his stomach when they hit the floor.


End file.
